People have different ways of relating, which are called “attachment styles” in the field of human behavior. Beginning in the late 50’s, John Bowlby pioneered the study of attachment behavior. He identified it as a basic human need with an evolutionary basis that insures survival of the species. Which style a person adopts, in part, has to do with what they learned in interacting with early caretakers. Building on Bowlby’s work, in the mid 60’s Mary Ainsworth and her colleagues, developed an experiment, known as the “The Strange Situation.” This study examined the interactions of 1 year olds with their mothers. From her research, Ainsworth concluded that parents who are consistently responsive, attuned, and available to their infants tend to produce children who are securely attached. Caretakers who are emotionally remote and distant promote avoidant children, and parents who hover or are emotionally or physically absent foster anxiously attached offspring.
Many believe that because the attachment styles that Ainsworth identified become encoded in the mind, they endure and impact adult relationships. In other words, early attachment styles serve as the foundation for how adults relate to other adults. Specifically, securely attached children develop into warm, caring individuals who are comfortable with intimacy; those with early avoidant attachment styles later devalue closeness and think it results in a loss of autonomy; and anxiously attached children become adults who worry about their relationships and question whether others love them.
Thinking about attachment styles is particularly interesting when considering couple relationships. Perhaps, the thorniest problems arise when two individuals with opposing styles form a partnership. For example, consider a husband who depends on his spouse to reassure him of her love and a wife who believes that the well being of each partner is their own responsibility. Initially, each partner may have been drawn to the other, intrigued by their differences. However, over time, conflict may arise as the wife views her husband as overly needy and, in turn, withdraws. Her response is likely to increase the husband’s anxiety and intensify his pursuit of her. Then, a vicious cycle may ensue.
Opposing styles of relating may also manifest in a couple’s sexual relationship. Specifically, for anxiously attached individuals sex may satisfy unfulfilled emotional needs and lessen fears of being unloved. This tendency could create a conflict, if such an individual is partnered with a spouse whose need for emotional and sexual distance plays out by infrequent or absent sexual encounters.
Different styles of relating are a frequent complaint that brings couples into treatment. Lessening the conflict begins with each spouse understanding their own, as well as their partner’s, attachment style. Each spouse can then begin to make slight shifts in the direction of their partner. For example, in the case of the couple, described above, the wife may agree to tell her husband she loves him each day and be more welcoming when he initiates affection. The husband may lessen his expectations, take her lack of emotional expressiveness less personally, and appreciate other ways in which she conveys her attentiveness to him, such as preparing a meal he enjoys. Addressing differences in attachment styles and making changes involves a willingness to communicate specific needs to each other and to make changes. It takes work, but can go a long way in improving a marriage.