How a couple resolves important issues when each partner holds a strongly different perspective is a key component of a successful relationship. Without this skill, at best, couples find themselves going around in circles and feeling frustrated by the stalemate, rather than feeling like members of the same team who share common goals and each other’s best interest at heart. Over time, bitterness can build.
Quite often, the feeling of being opponents results from a mind-set that is focused on the end result. Did I get what I wanted? Did I convince my partner that my way is the right way? Did I win the argument? Underlying this approach is a belief that justice needs to be served. Unfortunately, to arrive at this perceived sense of justice, partners, all too often, engage in destructive behaviors, such as name calling, criticizing, and diminishing the other. It’s as if, the end justifies the means.
When a couple finds themselves relying on an adversarial approach to solving conflicts, they might want to consider a change in course that puts more emphasis on the process of negotiating a solution, rather than the end result. Specifically, attending to the process might involve each partner articulating their partner’s perspective, rather than repeating their own point of view once again. Doing so, requires listening to the other, something most people deeply desire. It is also important that each partner be willing to take the risk of expressing their vulnerability.
As the couple listens to each other and talks honestly, the core concern of each partner is likely to manifest. Reacting to a partner’s concerns with respect, kindness, and compassion is critical. It leaves a partner feeling valued, despite differing points of view. This approach offers the best chance of finding a compromise in which each partner’s needs are met. Although this work can be scary, it is the true work of a relationship and offers the opportunity to deepen and strengthen the bond.