The fabric of the mother-daughter relationship is intricately woven. Although most women value this bond, frequently, they have difficulty understanding and maintaining it. In this article, I will identify the tasks confronting daughters at mid-life as they relate to their mothers. I’ll also discuss the process of renegotiating the mother-daughter bond, as well as strategies that may improve the relationship during this life stage.
The mother-daughter relationship is important in shaping a woman’s identity as a female, wife, lover, mother, friend, and professional. The influence that mothers have over their daughters comes about because, as a daughter develops, she “takes in” her mother and then carries her voice internally. Even if a mother is no longer living, she still can exert a strong influence. As a woman matures, she must decide the extent to which she wants to adhere to the attitudes and beliefs that she absorbed from her mother versus develop and abide by new and different ones.
Identifying the values and messages received from a mother is an important first step in understanding the tie that a woman has with her mother. Here are some of the questions that a woman might ask to better understand her mother’s influence.
What messages did I receive from my mother about being a woman, mother, wife, lover, professional?
What role did I play in my family?
What were my mother’s values and how did she convey them within the family?
The clearer a woman is about the messages that she receive, the more empowered she can feel and less like a prisoner of her childhood. She will be better able to distinguish factors that played out in her past, but which do not necessarily need to operate in her current life. Potentially, she can be more in charge of her life.
This work is important for all women. But for women who had a difficult or perhaps traumatic childhood relationship with their mother, the work is even more crucial, because their past may be having a significant adverse impact on current relationships. In such instances, often there is anger, and it may take work to get to the point of saying, “I deserved better.” A woman is entitled to feel whatever feelings she may have, However, she is not entitled to continue to blame her mother for her current unhappiness. A mother is responsible for how she treated her daughter as a child, but a daughter is responsible for what she does about it as an adult. Although it may be hard for a daughter to give up the assumption that she can change her mother, and that some day her mother will love her the way she wants to be loved, it is imperative. A daughter can’t change her mother, however, she still may ask the following questions:
How would I have liked my mother to mother me?
How do I wish she could change?
It is important for all women to recognize the feelings that they experienced growing up and not deny or forget them. These feelings are part of a woman’s identity, history, and strength. For some, this process may involve mourning the childhood that never was. Forgiveness may not be suitable and love is not required. Other women may recall their childhood with fond memories. Nevertheless, they may recognize that they wish to not behave in accord with the spoken or unspoken dictates of their mother.
Whatever a woman’s past relationship with her mother, it can be extremely helpful for a woman to get to know and understand her mother’s past and learn her life story. Learning the context in which her mother operated may provide insight into the messages that a mother imparted to her daughter. Asking questions also conveys a desire for a deeper connection. Additionally, it is a major step in equalizing the relationship. In Goodbye Mother, Hello Woman, Marilyn Boynton emphasizes how important it is for women in their 30s and 40s to equalize their relationship with their mother. She says that this process entails a woman coming to know her mother as a woman with all her limitations and vulnerabilities, rather than solely as a mother who is responsible for nurturing her daughter. As an equal, a woman is better able to define what she thinks and believes, and how she wants to behave, rather than feel compelled to adhere to her mother’s ways of being. In turn, a daughter is more likely to feel empowered and more self reliant on herself for nurturance, soothing, and self-care.