Oh, it’s been such a long, long time
Looks like I’d get you off my mind
Oh, but I can’t
Just the thought of you
Turns my whole world misty blue
So begins the song, ‘Misty Blue,’ written by Bob Montgomery, and recorded by several artists, beginning in 1966. The words so aptly capture the struggle that many encounter in trying to move on after a relationship ends. This difficulty can be especially perplexing when an ex-partner was not a good fit or behaved in problematic ways. To complicate matters, people are often critical of themselves for thinking about an ex-partner and worried they will not be able to arrive at a more joyful place in their life.
Making peace with the end of a relationship can begin by acknowledging that preoccupations with a former partner cause mental and emotional anguish and do not warrant self-criticism. It can also help to consider the reason behind the trouble letting go of a relationship. More specifically, ask whether it is the loss of the individual or whether it is what the ex-partner represents that is at the root of the struggle to let go. Considering these questions creates a broader focus that can lead to feeling empowered, rather than out of control. Although one cannot change your ex-partner’s behavior, how either of you behaved in the relationship, or the fact that the relationship ended, a person can change their understanding of them self.
A self-reflective posture might begin with identifying what aspect of an ex-partner’s behavior is captivating. For example, someone could be drawn to another for their sense of adventure and willingness to take risks. In this case, being with that person could allow indulgence of the risk aversive part of oneself. Furthermore, their absence could engender the feeling of being depleted or compromised. In short, the inability to rid an ex-partner from one’s thought might serve to fill a void or be a manifestation of some disowned part of one’s personality. If this is the case, perhaps, a person could consider reclaiming this underdeveloped part of them self and cultivate a greater sense of adventure.
The end of a relationship might also represent the loss of good times, as well as future dreams and expectations. Sometimes, these losses are actually more significant than the loss of the actual ex-partner. Either way, it is important to grieve these losses and to not allow excessive thoughts of a former partner substitute for feeling the sadness and pain.
Pursuing a path of self-discovery not only has the potential to diminish the anguish of feeling overtaken by thoughts of an ex-partner, it also provides an opportunity to develop a richer, more well-rounded self-view and greater access to emotions. A stronger, wiser sense of oneself will not only feel empowering, it also would be a great way to begin a new relationship, if one choses to do so.