I recently attended a conference, sponsored by the American Association of Sexuality Educators, Counselors, and Therapists (AASECT). The conference, entitled, ‘Bridging the Divide: Shedding Light on the Taboos and Pleasures of Sexuality,’ offered a wide variety of workshops. One of the workshops that I attended was Debra Wickman’s and Saida Desilets’ presentation, ‘A New Look at Menopause: Myths, Truth, and Power of Mature Pleasure.’ I’d like to share some of the idea offered in this presentation, along with some of my own thoughts on this topic.
The lecture began with a list of myths, associated with menopause, including:
Mature women are not interested in sex
Sexy needs to look young
Sex stops at menopause
Sex is painful after menopause
Pleasure is only for the young
Mature women are proper and don’t like to have fun
For many women, these commonly held views contribute to a dread of menopause, create shame about sexuality, and negate vitality. How ironic that mature women, abundant with wisdom garnered from years of lived experiences, are cast as withered and diminished! Yes, certainly there are changes that take place as women age, and, as necessary, they should be evaluated by a medical provider to insure optimal health and well-being. These changes can impact psychic and emotional states, as well as sexual functioning. But the mind-body link is bi-directional. That is, in the same way that bodily changes can affect women emotionally and psychologically, women’s perceptions and attitudes about themselves, aging, and menopause, and the emotions that they evoke, can also impact bodily sensations and experiences.
In “The Wisdom of Menopause,” Christine Northrup, talks about menopause as an opportunity to “come home to oneself.” Facing bodily changes and major life shifts, such as the loss of a partner or an empty nest, women can feel empty and depleted. It is not uncommon for some women to become depressed, anxious, or turn to food, alcohol, or drugs to numb the pain. But alternatively, women can use their emotions to guide them through this transition and, in the process, discover their strength and power.
For women to come into their own requires self-acceptance and an acknowledgement of worth at any age. But accomplishing this goal as women age can be especially challenging because of the rampant ageism that they confront; and even more daunting because of well-established cultural taboos which dictate that sensual pleasure is not the domain of older women. Additionally, to the extent that women define their sexuality in accord with the traditional view that sex is a partner experience, the more likely they are to perceive their sexuality as compromised as they age, given that oftentimes, women do not have an available partner due to divorce or to their partner’s death or chronic illness.
According to Saida Desilets, in order for mature women to own their sexuality during menopause, they need to re-examine it; and that begins by asking, ‘What is the deeper meaning of sexuality?’ Most fundamentally, a revised orientation recognizes women’s inherent value and intuitive knowledge about their bodies, psyches, and sensations. Also essential is a definition of sex that considers it a reflection of who one is, not what one does. If women are engaging in partner sex that may translate into not viewing sex as a sport that focuses on performance and score keeping regarding frequency. Instead, women may need to turn their attention to reassessing the status of their relationship. Such consideration is important because, for many women, a close relationship is critical for feeling sexually drawn to a partner. Honest and open discussions between partners about sexual changes and what modifications may better accommodate those changes may be a good place to start. Others, may need to find ways to reconnect with their partner emotionally, particularly if they drifted apart to focus on raising children and advancing careers.
A revised view of sexuality also calls for women to view sexuality as a partnership with oneself. Although this shift in perspective is more obvious for women without partners, it is essential for all women. It requires becoming increasingly comfortable with including different forms of pleasure into one’s repertoire. For some women, it may include meditation, caring for a beloved pet, daydreaming, or developing a deeper connection with nature that comes with taking walks, birdwatching, or gardening. While these activities may awaken vitality because of their calming effect, other activities, such as achieving a goal, exercising, deep breathing, eating good food, and shopping, may be equally enlivening because of their stimulating nature. Although none of these activities are sexual per se, they can heighten sensual awareness, and in turn, trigger what Desilets refers to as “micro-moments of pleasure.” From this perspective, engaging in these activities champions the idea that there is no expiration date on pleasure. Pleasure is ageless and as such, aging and menopause are part of an evolutionary process that entails blossoming, rather than shutting down.