Myths about sexuality abound. But in this article, I would like to focus on the commonly held view that when couples stop having sex, it is usually because the woman has lost interest or desire. To the contrary, most often, in such circumstances, the man decides to stop sexual intimacy; and he makes this decision unilaterally and communicates it non-verbally. This notion reflects cultural biases for both sexes that are related to age, as well as gender.
For women of all ages, there is the false belief that they are not interested in sex. Mature women face the added stigma of being perceived as withered and past their sexual prime. In truth, women of all ages are sexual, and increasingly older women are recognizing their vibrancy in many areas of their lives and are appreciating what they can offer. Men also encounter cultural biases that perpetuate this myth. Specifically, men’s sexuality is perceived as a sole function of their biological make-up which creates the impression that they are always ready for sex. Not only does this idea put a tremendous amount of pressure on men, it also interferes with recognizing the complexity of their sexuality. As with women, men’s sexuality can be impacted by emotions, self-esteem, and body image. Not infrequently, men link their masculinity with their ability to perform sexually. Whereas a positive view of masculinity can enhance sexual desire, difficulties with erections, intercourse, and orgasm can impede desire as feelings of frustration and shame take over. In turn, men frequently curtail sexual relations. Although a man’s loss of confidence can occur at any age, it often occurs with age as testosterone declines, erections vary, and ejaculations are delayed. One out of three couples stop being sexual by sixty-five years old; and two out of three couples stop physical intimacy by seventy-five years of age.
Challenging faulty, but commonly held, beliefs about sex is difficult because these ideas are deeply engrained. However, doing so is important because it can not only minimize pressure on the individual and tension in the relationship, but it also can add to the richness and depth of the experience.