Partners in long term relationships often report that after years together, they are emotionally closer and better able to enjoy time together. But for some couples, their enhanced emotional bond is a substitute for shared passion and physical intimacy; and sexual intimacy has become routine, and sometimes, non-existent. Buying into the ageism notion that ‘sex is for the young’ can heighten the complacency that they feel about their sexual life.
The changes, associated with aging, sometimes account for the compromised intimacy between partners. For both men and women, medications and health problems and the medical interventions necessary to treat them, can impact all aspects of a person’s sexual responses. Life changes during the later years, such as retirement, empty nest, and changes in living arrangements, can also have an indirect, but adverse, impact on sexual functioning, particularly when an individual becomes anxious or depressed as they struggle to make necessary adjustments. Changes, specific to sexual functioning, can also play a role. For women, thinning vaginal tissue and diminished lubrication, symptoms associated with the hormonal changes of menopause, can cause discomfort, and even pain, and result in disinterest or avoidance of sex. Declining levels of testosterone, greater variation in erections, and delays in erections are age-related changes that can impact a man’s sexual responses.
Every couple should decide how vital sexuality is to their relationship. Not infrequently, dissatisfaction stirs in one partner. Raising concerns with a loved one is not always easy, particularly, when a couple has not engaged in discussions about their sexual lives throughout their relationship. Additionally, it can trigger feelings of inadequacy and embarrassment. Nevertheless, finding a way to have a frank and open dialogue is critical. It opens the possibility of not only attaining a more satisfying physical connection, but an emotional one, as well.
Discussions about sexuality often involve people clarifying their view of themselves as a sexual being and questioning how consistent their perception is with society’s notions about sexuality. Whereas some feel diminished and hampered by the commonly held view that sex is the domain of the young and beautiful, others enjoy a newfound freedom to enjoy sexual pleasures, bolstered by greater confidence and life experiences. Ideally, an outgrowth of a couple talking about their sexual life will be a decision about the extent to which they want to prioritize it and what measures to take, if any, to improve it. Attending to health or life circumstances may be the first step for some couples; and this may involve contact with a healthcare provider or mental health specialist. Others may need to focus more directly on their sexual functioning. Medical interventions can relieve some of the symptoms that adversely impact sexual functioning, especially when they are integrated into a couple’s love-making. Very often, however, what is needed is a mind-set that appreciates that physical intimacy changes with age and that embraces a variable, flexible, pleasure oriented approach, instead of a performance-oriented style (Sallie Foley, 2004. Sex and
Love for Grown-Ups).