When I’m sitting with a couple, deadlocked over a particular issue, I frequently ask if they discussed this topic prior to tying the knot. Typically, they say they never considered doing so and imagined all would work, given their love for each other. In the short term, failure to have frank talks about issues that are likely to arise in a marriage can help maintain the romance. But over the course of a long term relationship, it can result in hurt, disappointment, and possibly the demise of the marriage. As Eleanor Stanford writes in her March 27, 2016 New York Times article, 13 Questions to Ask Before the Wedding, “what you don’t know really can hurt you.”
I think Stanford’s questions highlight the key issues that a couple needs to consider before making a long term commitment; and I want to share them with you.
1. Did your family throw plates, calmly discuss issues or silently shut down when
disagreements arose?
2. Will we have children, and if we do, will you change diapers?
3. Will our experiences with our exes help or hinder us?
4. Do you know all the ways I say “I love you”?
5. Do we like each other’s parents?
6. What’s the most you would be willing to spend on a car, a couch, or shoes?
7. Can you handle my doing things without you? Having different friends or hobbies?
8. How important is sex to you?
9. Is my debt your debt? Would you be willing to bail me out?
10. How far should we take flirting with other people? Is watching pornography O.K.?
11. What do you admire about me, and what are your pet peeves?
12. How important is religion? How will we celebrate religious holidays, if at all?
13. How do you see us in 10 years from now?
Learning the answers to these questions and figuring out whether differences can be negotiated to a reasonable level of satisfaction prior to marriage is ideal, rather than addressing them when conflicts arise. However, with openness, honesty, and a willingness to sit with the discomfort that comes with taking a long hard look at yourself, your partner, and your relationship, as well as a willingness to compromise, you can navigate differences at any point in your relationship. And who’s to say whether the time invested in your relationship, your shared history, and the humility that comes with age won’t make for a richer discussion that, in turn, will fortify your marriage for years to come!