Is your spouse your best friend or soulmate?
Is such a connection essential for a good marriage?
Before considering these questions, it is important to recognize that they tap into relatively new notions about the marital relationship. In Marriage, A History (2006), Stephanie Coontz points out that although people married for love in past generations, the need for financial, social, and personal security played a more significant role in the choice of a partner than it does today. As such, partnerships are less likely to be cemented solely on the basis of love. As gender based roles and expectations began to shift in the 1960s and 1970s toward greater equality, many placed a higher value on finding a partner who is a soulmate. This greater emphasis warrants further attention, not only for those looking for new love, but also for those who embarked upon relationships before ideas about companionship in marriage underwent transformation.
In Modern Romance (2015), Aziz Ansari, a writer, comedian, and actor, together with Eric Klinenberg, a sociologist, contend that the importance placed on finding a soulmate in this day and age creates an added pressure. However, in citing the lower incidence of divorce associated with marrying a soulmate, they suggest that the struggle is worth the effort. Although perhaps true, according to John Helliwell, whose research was cited in a recent article in the New York Times (October 15, 2017), such a connection may be beneficial, but not necessary. Specifically, married individuals reported a higher degree of life satisfaction than their non-married counterparts, even when their lives were well populated with friendships outside of their marriage. But, when married individuals identified their spouse as their closest friend, the level of satisfaction that they reported doubled. In short, Helliwell’s findings indicate that spouse who is also a best friend provides an added perk, but not an essential one.
Amir Levine, a psychiatrist and neuroscientist, takes into account sexual attraction when discussing attachment within partnerships in his book Attached (2010). It is this component that allows spouses to experience physical closeness in ways that are taboo in family relationships. Although sexual attraction tends to be strong in the beginning phase of relationships, it is likely to drop off as partners become increasingly familiar and committed over time. Instead, what becomes more prominent in a feeling of security which, according to Levine, is the component that allows an individual to describe a spouse as a friend. This sense of security is rooted in the knowledge that a partner can be trusted, and is available, reliable, and responsive. This knowledge about a partner creates a feeling of safety that serves as the foundation to better engage with the world, manage the ups and downs of everyday life, dream of possibilities, and bring them into being.
Moving from feeling titillated by a partner to feeling secure and safe with them, does not mean that a good sexual connection needs to fall by the wayside. In fact, too much emphasis on being ‘best friends’ may not be ideal. Not only can it be a sign of avoiding conflict (Caruso,2014), a healthy dose of aggression, along with feelings of longing, can actually fuel sexual desire (Caruso, 2014; Clulow & Boerma, 2009; Kernberg, 1995). This dynamic can play out as couples try to work out their conflicts and end up gaining a better understanding of their partner and, in turn, feeling emotionally and physically closer. Increasingly, the link between attachment and sexuality in long term relationships is being explored (Caruso, 2011; Clulow, 2009; Diamond, Blatt, and Lichtenberg, 2007); and there is support for the idea that individuals who are psychologically healthier in relating to others are better able to incorporate both a friendship bond and a sexual connection into their partnership (Caruso, 2014; Eagle, 2007). Oftentimes, there is a reciprocal effect when couples integrate these two components in to their relationship, namely, emotional closeness fuels sexual intimacy and physical closeness renews attachment.
Rather than asking a question about being best friends with a spouse, perhaps a better question would be asking whether you and your partner are able to balance your needs for safety and security with your longings for sexual intimacy. Once you’ve given this question some thought, you might want to consider getting your partner’s perspective.