Physical attractiveness, shared interests, compatibility, kindness, and sense of humor are common features that people look for when selecting a mate. But societal, cultural, and psychological factors also influence with whom one falls in love and whether that love culminates in marriage. In this article, I will discuss partner choice from a psychological perspective.
In addition to conscious factors, less conscious factors also influence partner choice. Often, recognition that another person possesses some disowned aspects of oneself can draw individuals together. For example, a shy, emotionally non expressive woman may be attracted to a man who is outgoing and emotionally expressive. These individuals complement each other. This pairing may be in the service of development in that it provides an opportunity to grow emotionally and psychologically. In effect, each person can learn from the other new ways of being and interacting. Over time, each person can incorporate the new behavior patterns into their repertoire.
In some instances partner selection is not motivated by growth producing factors. Back in the 70’s, Henry Dicks investigated marital relationships at a London clinic. His findings revealed that attraction to another can result from an inability to tolerate some aspect of oneself. For example, an emotionally reserved man may be drawn to an emotionally expressive woman because he cannot tolerate his feelings. Initially, the man may perceive the woman’s display of emotions as indicative of a vibrant personality. Gradually, he comes to view her emotionality ‘as if” it is his own and becomes intolerant of her emotionality, as well. In turn, he may discount, devalue, or criticize his partner’s emotions. For this union to have taken hold, it requires a woman who was drawn to this emotionally, reserved man. Such a woman initially may have perceived the man’s lack of expressiveness as calming. Eventually, as she comes to view the man’s emotional reserve as her own, she may find his emotional containment unbearable and come to view him as boring or withholding.
In the example provided above, each partner fails to learn from the other. Instead they are at odds with the other and feel frustrated and unfulfilled. As often happens, the very qualities that drew the couple together are the same features that are creating conflict. Such couples may seek relationship treatment to help them sort through their difficulties. Therapy can help each individual understand their contribution to the conflict and develop more fully, rather than look to their spouse to complete them. It takes work, but efforts can not only improve the marriage, but also result in more mature and satisfying functioning for each partner.